You Can’t Expect Yourself from Others

On Saturday morning, I met for tea with a newish friend but a longtime acquaintance. Allyson is a friend of a friend from my old stomping grounds. We have been Facebook friends for several years, having worked together on our mutual friend’s surprise 60th birthday party.

And when she suggested we meet for tea a few weeks ago, I happily accepted, and we found a coffee shop that was halfway in between us.

Allyson is a bubbly, smiling, flower-in-hair, comfy-dress-wearing band teacher. Her life has not been easy. At four months of age, she came to the U.S. to be adopted.

We chatted about our current lives, our former lives, and the challenges that exist(ed) in both. Then I asked her if she was into personality-type tests, like the Enneagram and the Clifton Strengths Finder. After a few minutes of this, I raised a grievance that had been bringing me down.

And in true-to-Allyson fashion, she smiled wide and said six words that were so powerful to me, I immediately got out my phone to enter them in my phone, so as not to forget.

“Angie, you can’t expect yourself from others.”

Boom!!! And then BOOM!!!

“Wow, Allyson…that is absolutely right,” I replied. To be clear, neither of us considers ourselves to be perfect in any way. Rather, her point was that no one else thinks or acts just like me.

The second boom arrived when it dawned on me—a lover of all things personality discovery—that I have been  putting my personal standards and expectations onto other people…especially those closest to me. Just because I would handle a situation one way, it doesn’t mean that another wants to handle it the same way. Just because I am okay with feeling sadness now and again, it doesn’t mean that others operate that way. Just because I am vulnerable with others, it doesn’t mean that is natural for others.

Saying these things out loud to another person can be tough for many of us, and if you are one of them, perhaps  it’s easier to write it down in a note. If you have something that you’ve been wanting to express to someone you care about, but having a face-to-face is just too scary and hard, maybe write a note to your neighbor. Writing it down also gives us the chance to choose the right words to express our feelings, wants, and needs.

I’m so grateful for this much-needed reminder and my lovely tea time with Allyson.

—Angie